Giada De Laurentiis: E.T. Gave Birth

I’m sorry, but bitch always looks like she just phoned home. And her teeth scare me. Look, it’s Monday and I’m a little twatty. Popular Food Network chef Giada De Laurentiis gave birth to a baby girl on Saturday in Los Angeles.

Her new daughter with husband Todd Thompson, Jade Marie De Laurentiis Thompson, came in at 5lbs, 13oz. “Marie” is perfect for when you want to yell at a kid. “Jade Marie, you get off that phone right now! Jade Marie Thompson, I FORBID you to period that boy! Jade Marie, abortion is not the reply!”

Giada craved steak during her pregnancy and about it said, “I couldn’t be more excited about being pregnant. … I can’t wait to meet her.”

Does anyone watch her show where she goes away for the weekend and wines and dines herself?

Did you see the one where she went to the olive oil examining at the vineyard in Napa and the crazy bitch running it made everyone intake air through the olive oil they were tasting and they all had to produce these hissing sounds like one of those dentistry saliva-sucking hoses? Poor Giada looked like she wanted to slap the bitch for making her look silly. I love television.

Pregnancy made her “jug-time Charlies” look amazing. That’s a quote from a straight friend. I still think she looks like she’s been riding in the basket on the front of Elliot’s dirt bike.